My Declaration

11/13/05
I am .......................
(stay tuned)

11/16/05

I am a writer. There I said it in print.
I plan on saying it more often.
I am a writer, mostly a poet.

Take One:
I had planned on saying it in a public forum when I went to see Esmeralda Santiago a couple of weeks ago. Chanclita, Mariposa, Analisa were in the crowd.
But I needed a question.
I thought if I had a question to ask Esmeralda, I could walk up to the mic.
I could declare I was a writer and ask my question.
Declare it among my friends and strangers. Would have been a very gutsy move.
But I had no question. Hence, no declaration.

But so I don't limit myself...
I should say I am an artist.
Because I am.
I am.

Artist because I don't just write. I like to dabble in photography......images. But also, images that don't exist in the real world.....only in my mind. Images that can only "exist" when i create them via drawings or paintings. Painting.....must teach myself how to paint. Drawing....must start drawing again.

Yes, I do other things......namely in the field of medicine......the paying gig.
Artist and Scientist. Hmmm, are they meant to coexist? I would say "yes"....take a look at William Carlos William.
I would argue that the artist in me emerges in medicine too. I have written poems with medical themes.....or at least reference medical terms within my poems. Why? Because I see art in science...I see art in medicine....I see art in the human body. I've been told by other doctors that there is a thing called "the art of medicine". The books don't tell you how to do everything. They give you guidance, but you can make it your own. People are different.....you often have to individualize when practicing medicine. What works for one patient will not always work for others.

Why this declaration? Mariposa played a role in this one.

Take Two:
Mariposa wondered why I didn't talk more about myself when I spoke to Brenda Cardenas at the panel discussion. I couldn't do it....couldn't tell her I was a poet too. I could hear "imposter" swirling in my head....whispers growing louder. I could turn to Mariposa and call her one of my "writer" friend. When I told Mariposa, I felt like an imposter as we walked to the pizza parlor, I could feel myself getting emotional inside (may have been PMSing there).

A couple of weeks ago, Esmeralda Santiago had been speaking about writers...any kind of artist....usually have trouble identifying themselves as writers..artists...at some point ....usually in the beginning of their writing/artistic careers. I've been tackling with my artistic identity. Although I've declared it in some ways here, I can't say it when I meet other people....specifically other writers/artists. I feel like an imposter when I say "I'm a poet...I'm an artist". Why? I think it is because I haven't been recognized by an outside force/agency/organization as a poet/artist. I have not been published like some of my writer friends which is why I recognize them as "writers". I have not received any distinguished award for any of my writing/ photography...for my art. I didn't win World Series tickets with the poem I submitted about my White Sox. But I also have come to realize that I don't need the outside recognition.......I need to recognize myself. I'm the only one who decides what ultimately is my identity. I define myself......if they refuse to recognize me as an artist/poet......I will still be a poet/artist.

I think I need to admit my arrogance....hug my arrogance. Let me explain.
Esmeralda mentioned that writers have a certain degree of arrogance....you have to. You have to believe that what you say...that your stories.... are important enough that others will want to read them. You are declaring .....I have something important to say....so listen to me....read me. I think my modesty is getting in the way at this time. So I shall take a arrogance by the hand and walk with it down the sidewalks of Writing Boulevard....Poetry Street.....Artist Avenue.

*i have to smile at my parents' recent words and actions
**Dad made copies of a poem i showed him...i don't share most of my poems with him....this one was a "safe" choice. Dad took those copies to his work and distributed them to some of the workers. A father's pride at work :) Dad does a better job of promoting me than ME.
**Mom shared a recent conversation with me in which she told Cactus Snoopy.....maybe dr.v will become a poet.....mom doesn't know about all the writing i currently do. Some of my material isn't too "parent-friendly" especially recent material. And I don't write many spanish poems for mom to enjoy. I've told her of my recent outings to see Esmeralda Santiago, Ana Castillo, and the Mexican-American panel discussion. My excitement about the events must have been evident in my conversations with mom. I must have been glowing like an X-ray lightbox :)