Seethering

Fuck, fuck, triple fuck. You bastard. Motherfucker! I want to be home already. Get out of my way. Falling asleep at the wheel. Can't walk to the apartment. Maybe I'll just doze off in the car. Kill me now. I'm hungry but too tired to cook too tired to eat. Why can't I dial a simple fuckin' phone number? Slams the phone receiver down. Wish I could throw the phone out the window! I give up - slouches on the couch. I can't do the simplest task. Tears of frustration - Leave me alone!

I wish I had a blog at the beginning of residency. That probably would have been an entry during intern year. Sleep Deprivation and Burnout do horrendous things to you. If you aren't careful, they slowly devour every aspect that makes you the true you. All that is left is a corpse, not wanting to feel or to react. Just lie there in eternal sleep. The elusive quest for sleep becomes your holy grail. You forget how if is to feel something other than anger and sadness. Do I remember how to smile? I don't know how many people actually experienced this intern year in the various residencies across America. Many that I know or have spoken to have confessed this is not uncommon. The profession that professes to "do no harm" tries to kill us by killing our humanity. "Do no harm" should begin at home with the children of the medical world - the medical students and residents. In the past 3 years, some changes/reforms have taken place to make residencies more humane.

One of my projects is to reflect on the residency years. Try to recreate pivotal people, events, revelations, moments, and stories on paper. Now that I have the time. I tried to journal during residency but I failed to keep up. Lack of energy and motivation were my enemies. While writing that brief piece above, I tried to relive that moment. The words are there; I can't reproduce the intense anger in me. Thank God, I hated feeling that way; I don't want to feel that way. However, I don't want to forget, that's the way I won't fall prey again. It is amazing how sinister we can get. The true me resides in this body now - the true me doesn't like to hate or be consumed by negativity.