Discoveries and Reflections

Been away from here, but I have been thinking and creating. Actually, received some good news on Saturday. The conversation we had was long, with some intermissions, but very cathartic. Shared something finally - not all of it - but a significant part. Now, I feel a bigger connection. Reconfirmed my need to continue writing and to continue developing this area.

Discovered another physician, Dr. Richard Selzer, (a surgeon of all things) who began to write and develop his craft at the age of 40. You must understand, surgeons are notorious for being less friendly. Good to know I'm not alone. I love hearing about physicians who write, make music, paint - create - Period! He has held workshops with medical students and now with residents in the east coast. Thank God for people like him.

Yale's Primary Care Internal Medicine residency has a "Medicine and Arts" series. Luckily because of my connections, I've attended one of these gatherings. It gives the residents a forum to express their creative side. Many times it involves the residents and attendings playing an instrument or singing. It's very informal - usual set in the home of one of the attending physicians. Some entertainment, good food, and a special speaker.

I didn't expect my medical career to fuel or mix with my creative endeavors. It has especially in the past year. Why am I draw to medicine? It not only the science but the human interaction. I love hearing other people's stories, their perspectives, and their experiences. I've meet some interesting people thru medicine. Yes, I've learned a lot from patients about life. Beyond the intellectual challenge, medicine places me on the "edge".

Thrusts me to face life's toughest questions by awaking the philosopher in me. Dangles me between life and death, literally. I have never faced Death so closely and intimately until I was in med school and residency. Did it ever scare me? Yes, of course. The fragility of human life became more apparent, forcing me to reevaluate my life frequently. Where am I failing? Where am I settling for less when I deserve more? Am I enjoying life to the fullest? Am I setting myself up for future regret/ disappointment? Would I die now and be satisfied with the life I've led? It keeps me grounded in some respect.

Since the inception of this journal's existence, I hope I haven't scared those who have read this blog. I hope I haven't terrified people about going to the doctor. My goal with this journal was to show you that physicians are people. Unlike the docs in the movies and the television shows, we are not all cold and devoid of emotion. Some of us do care about people and aren't in medicine solely for the money/ power/ prestige

I've witnessed some of my attending physicians being vulnerable in front of their patients. One attending sat with her patient on her hospital bed, held her patient's hand, and told her patient how she admired her courage. Her courage and positive attitude remained strong despite battling a fatal cancer. This doctor wept with her patient because they knew time was running out. This was probably going to be the last round of chemotherapy. When she did pass away, my attending and I were both saddened by it. This patient taught me that negative things in life don't have to turn one into a bitter person. She could have died angry, but she died knowing she tried her best to enjoy the last months of her life.