I feel that I do have a calling....a mission
but right now
I'm not in the Right Place
am I even in the Right Time?
maybe it is the Right Time
but it definitely feels like the Wrong Place
at least that was the conclusion
at the end of the workday
Disillusionment hit me hard today
I realized that I can't be the doctor I want to be
circumstances don't allow it
maybe if i lived in another part of the country
or some other country
where "productivity" and "meeting overhead costs"
didn't matter as much
I could be the doctor I want to be
maybe I'm still trying too hard
trying too hard to "save the world"
I entered medical school as an idealist
I thought it was beaten out of me during residency
But the idealist is still in me
for better .....for worse
until death do us part....
but then again I being to think....
some patients want a doctor
who sees them in five minutes
and gives antibiotics, narcotics, other "otics"
like there's a clearance sale
but I'm not that way
I don't dispense antibiotics like candy
If YOU don't need them....YOU aren't getting them.
I'm not going to feed your Vicodin addiction either.
It was a day when practicing medicine truly wasn't fun.
the business side of medicine....profits....gains........makes me uneasy.....queasy
I just want to practice medicine
and live comfortably
I'm not talking about making Millions from medicine
some doctors do....i work with one who does
(but this one also diversifies....has investments in other places)
I grew up without much money
I don't need millions ...
It sucked to be a doctor today
because I wondered
How can I be the doctor I want to be
How can I practice medicine the way I want to
How?
Guess I just have to keep looking
searching for the Right Place....
3 comments:
I can relate to having days like this as a nurse, too. But also as a person. Life sometimes makes it hard for me to be the person who I want to be, too, ya know? I'm sorry medicine has been a disappointment to you lately. I hope you find a way to bring back your soul and your inspiration to your work.
i hope you find what your looking for. and don't give up the idealism.
and you know i only crave vicodin like a crackhead when i'm in immense pain like with an ear infection. i remember being shocked when a doctor prescribed it for my broken foot. that was a lot less painful, a tylenol was enough. i remember being shocked by the way she handed me the prescription so casually.
I think you have a brilliant mind. Idealist flock to each other;) Right place and right time...find the place and create the time that makes you feel most alive. Let's grab a drink soon and toast to isms and otics.
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