Confessions from the Confused (part 2)

In college, i made a choice.....a tough choice that was the result of endless days and nights of thinking....soul searching.

Am i doing the right thing? Is this the right major for me?

I loved art and was finally immersing myself in it. I listened to my heart which said "Screw the honors program director. I want to take more art classes so I will."
It seems that all my life people were always trying to steer me to more "brainy" courses/endeavors.

Bouncing between science & art with coffee serving as the fuel for my engine, the artist awakened during sophomore year. My best semester was my most chaotic one. I managed to get straight A's while taking the maximum amount of credits for one semester......with very little sleep. I'm shocked at how I accomplished that feat. I had a philosophy class which I frequently dozed off in.....not because it was boring...but because i was tired by the afternoon. After class, i went straight to my dorm room to take a REAL nap. Trying to read and do all of my assignments meant sacrificing something...SLEEP....or how would i ever finish everything. On weekends, I spent so much time on photo shoots and in the darkroom. But i was never so happy.....so alive.

However, i had a decision to make......career decision.
I rationalized that i could not make a career out of art.
Art doesn't pay.....if it does, it is the exception.
There are so many artists who are never seen or heard.....what becomes of them?
Do they wither away? Do they gather dust in some corner?
I can't make a decent living via art.....so i didn't pursue it seriously. I took courses which appealed to me.....considered a minor in art.....but it would have meant not graduating in the typical 4 years. I promised myself to pursue art on the side.....as a hobby.....as i embarked down the science path.

I needed to make a decision because to apply to medical school, one has to take the MCAT exam. The MCAT exam requires hours of studying and preparation, since high scores get you an interview. This exam is typically taken in the junior year of college/university. Interviewing for medical schools begins early in your senior year. If medicine was my calling, i had to get going.

I followed the science path....the more financially safe path. Somewhere along the way, I abandoned myself.....the artist self. As the medical course work and training became tougher, I let that side die.......it lay dormant for so long.....trying to resurrect every now and then. I insisted on crushing it. The Painting never came. The Drawing dwindled until it disappeared.....the charcoal, pencils, pastels sat in a box. The Piano sessions stopped (didn't help i didn't own a piano ). But the camera remained....stood defiant.....tempted me...."take me with you"......"take a picture, come on for old time's sake"...."you won't regret it"..........Thank you Camera!

I began to write in college.....creative writing....for myself only. Too shy to show anyone.....my "crazy" thoughts. They will only laugh at me. There was alot of raw emotions embedded in the pages. So raw....i couldn't share or i'll be crushed by the negativity. The words stopped flowing too....medicine acted as the tamponade. Until one day, I let myself write again. Pen and paper emerged from the dust. A new toy awaited me.....the keyboard and the electronic page. Slowly, I began to free myself from the web of medical terminology.......i could speak "human" again.
I realized every time a pen made contact with paper....it didn't have to be:

"Chief Complaint: Chest pain
HPI: 36 yo female with PMH of HTN, DM-2, CAD, s/p CVA presents with CP x 2 hours. Pt denies SOB, DOE, palpitations. Pt reports "pressure like" CP which began this evening. Not relieved by sublingual NTG. No numbness or tingling over the left arm or jawline...."

My normal "human" language was so suppressed by the medical world that I unconsciously inserted medical abbreviation in greeting cards (yes....bday cards/xmas cards). Sometimes i would see what i was doing and force myself to insert the correct English words. I found that so hilarious (and so sad)......luckily my medical friends could decipher it.

When i was released from the hell of residency, the artist burst out like blood from a freshly cut artery. It was a summer of discovery.....my personal Renaissance. My medieval days had come to an end......